These two think they cute
The new #yourmomshouse with @arishaffir is an instant classic. His new special #DoubleNegative premiers July 18 on @netflix
We had some trouble yesterday with the code but fixed it so we are extending the sale thru today. It's on all times: Bikes! Stanima, signed albums etc. use the link in my bio to get to the store and the code SUMMMER10 for the discount
Took a while to get this guy to walk in another direction. #DinnerWithAStranger
He ordered dessert and put the "share" bowl in front of himself so I get to stay sugar free at least.
This fucking guy ate 85% of his steak and is saying how disappointed he is. Asked for ANOTHER steak. Animal
Here's the guy. Kinda weird. Asked for extra bread
On way to dinner with a stranger...
Excuse me @tomhanks did you get a clean bill of health? #nyc
Women (ugly) are now welcome to respond to the dinner in NYC invite. Please be over 190lbs and bark when you talk.
Any guys/Zims want dinner in NYC?
Welcome to NYC
Had a great time with these hilarious dudes on #DumbPeopleTown. Check it out on iTunes. My new favorite podcast.
A dad always needs to be prepared. Need to read something? Check! Sun is glaring in your eyes? Check! Don't worry about a thing, guys. Dad is here.
Australia, get it together. I'm coming to your country for 4 glorious shows. TomSegura.com/tour LINK in my Bio. *Please excuse this promotional photo. It was taken a year ago before I lost a bunch of bert.
Don't be like Burnt. Get to the gym like your boy. #BertGotFatAgain #TomWont #BurntKrysler
Excuse me @martinriese, have you ever indulged in this? Just delightful, if you've never had it.
Porsche Driving Experience is fun as shit especially when you have a Killer instructor and you're willing to listen and learn. I just signed a deal and will be moving to Germany to race for Team Porsche all thanks to Zach here. #911turboS
We just hit episode 400 of #yourmomshouse! Come celebrate with us! Baboey ChaSay Oh mu Bhole, @realchristinap?!?
JULY 9 - Your Mom's House podcast Live at The Irvine Improv (Spermvine) link in my bio for tix
Hope this inspires Christina to finally get the haircut I've been pushing for. #benjaminfranklin #Repost @realchristinap (@get_repost) ・・・ Thank u Peter Sanderson for this amaze shirt!
It's crazy to see the side by side pics. I was on a downhill slide and would have surely ended up looking like Brent Kaiser if I didn't get my shit together. #Repost @johnwhitehere (@get_repost) ・・・ Tom Segura is one of the funniest, hardest working most bad ass fuckin comedians ever, he also lost a ton of weight and is lookin Amaze which inspired me and I'm in the best shape of my life because
I took this on the plane just now. It's clouds.
Another piece of history from last night in Reno. The stage and backstage area of the Grand Theater are among the biggest in the world. It's literally like 5 football fields behind the curtain. There's a plane back there - for real. There's also this weird, shed-like structure you see in the top photo. It's locked off and looks like a prop for a play or storage unit. It was built for Frank Sinatra
I LOVE this. About a year before she died, Joan Rivers played the same venue I'm playing tonight, The Grand Theater in Reno. In the hallway of the dressing rooms artists sign the walls. She signed hers "I have NO time to paint and do all that shit" with an arrow pointing to where someone had signed and drawn something elaborate. 😂😂😂This is why I love comics.
During soundcheck the great staff at The Grand Theater gave me 4 stools to choose from. I take you thru my decision and find that my instinct about what stool comics usually choose is spot on. #Reno
Oh shit! The beautiful Grand Theater at The Grand Sierra Resort. Tonight we're tearing it up in Reno.
T-Dot, I'm coming thru for a big show. Use the link in my bio for tickets.
Give #Oasis a shot!
Hey guys, my friend @bertkreischer AKA Burnt Chrysler feels really badly about putting back on all the weight he lost And then some. How about helping him out with some inspiration today. Maybe "Why did you gain all the weight back?" Or "How come you're fat again?" Will get him back on track. #bertisfat #tomisStrong
I'm shooting my next special in... Tickets on sale NOW link in my bio.
La ensalada pica mucho!
September shows are all listed here. A few are almost Sold Out. Get em while you can. Link in my bio for tix.
😂😂😂😂 #Repost @dasheightyeight (@get_repost) ・・・ Bert is fat but Tom isn't. w/ @seguratom #bertisfat #waterchamp #meme #standup #comedy
The second leg of my #noteethnoentry tour starts today in Tucson. Tickets are on Sale Now for a bunch of new cities - Oakland, Denver, Montreal, Toronto, Austin and a whole bunch more. Use the link in my BIO or go to TomSegura.com/tour and see if I'm coming to your city.
Here I am making fitness in our new "I'm Making Fitness" shirt. True to the expression, I am also wearing jeans like any lunatic who says "I'm Making Fitness" would. Wear one this summer or to the gym. We also have women's cut Tanks. Get on your fitness kick and don't be #Fat like my friend Burnt. Use the LINK in my BIO to purchase.
Such a fun night. So glad to have a place like the @thecomedystore. Thanks to all of you that come out and support live comedy. #Repost @thecomedystore (@get_repost) ・・・ Congrats to @seguratom on completing his first Store hat trick tonight going up in the Original, Belly, and Main Rooms! #thecomedystore #waterchamp #personalitychamp
A lot of people asked for a summertime/workout shirt so we made one. It's the "I'm Making Fitness" tank. There are also women's cut tanks. Get yours and go make fitness. Link in my bio. #BertIsFat
There's no doubt about it - a Double Pipe Classic is RARE! New episode of #yourmomshouse is up now.